I'm totally sorry I killed your dude.

How was I supposed to know what would happen when I pressed that button?

Now the adventurers are all mad at me because the NPC they were talking to is all perforated and icky. Ickier than he was to begin with, I mean. That goo from his insides is totally everywhere now. Super-gross. No wonder they talk about dwarves having high constitutions. They totally need it.

I don't see what the big deal is, it's not like they listen to NPCs anyway.

Seriously, if they did, wouldn't they be off attempting to rescue the princess by now?

Lord Evil Guy is going to be wondering what's taking so long. But he did specifically state that under no uncertain circumstances or whatever was I to return without Percival and his party.

Every time I try to find that stupid Paladin I meet up with these dudes, so they'll have to be good enough.

Hey, I wonder if Percival's bones are part of that staircase?

No, that doesn't make any sense, this tomb was all yellow-and-blue-makes-green before he was even born. Oh well.

Oh yuck! That little dude is totally stripping the dead dude! EW!

Now the snooty elf is all "You are NOT wearing that!" and I'm all, high-five, sister, or I would be if she didn't look like she would freeze me inside a block of ice if I offered her a mitten.

Why would anyone keep that nasty stuff? That's totally creepy.

Lord Evil Guy doesn't keep nasty stuff like that. Real evil is, like, fastidious.

Did you ever see "Sleeping With The Enemy"?

If a dwarf wore it for like, hundreds of years, then died messily in it. Drop it in quicklime, not your backpack. Thanks be to the Ancients that the little dude is not actually trying to put the rat pants on.

That shirt is actually dripping bits of dwarf out of it. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Now the big guy's all "Can you raise him?" and the old guy's like "Uh, there's like a hundred little chunks, and I'm like, level 5. Even if I could, he'd be naked."

Nobody wants to see a naked dwarf.

There was this one time, and Lord Evil Guy was like... wait, you know what, I better not tell that story.

Okay, bye.

It could be worse program

I wish Walter, I mean Lord Evil Guy, had never seen those management tutorials over at despair.com - he really bought into their philosophy 100%.

Whenever he calls me, my fork gives me a shock. Imagine a bolt of lightning that's trying to French kiss you (except it doesn't have any lips or tongue, just raw voltage) and kick you in the jimmy (again, no fat cushioned knee, just pure godlike smiting power) at the same time. Let me tell you, it hurts. It hurts bad.

I complained to him about it, once. I asked for a bluetooth headset instead. I reasoned that if he wants me to perform my job as efficiently as possible, then that's justification for providing me with the state-of-the-art tools I need to get the job done. Wouldn't you agree?

He didn't.

His response was to call me.

Repeatedly.

Then, while my fur was growing back, he made me write "I love my job" one million times on a blackboard. He didn't provide me any chalk, so I had to scratch it in with my fork. Have I mentioned that Imps have sensative hearing? That we don't like high-pitched noises that aren't our own voices? Now any time I hear any squeaky noises, I involuntarily burst into tears and shout "I love my job!"

Walter really knows how to punish someone.

Totally NOT my fault!

Lord Evil Guy still wants me to deliver a message to that stupid Percival. I even have to give it to him when he's not dead, which is SO unfair. I found him back in Lord Meriddyn's tower, it can't be helped if he was lying face down in his batman underoos.

Truth be told, I think mostly Lord Evil Guy is tired of keeping Princess Melinda around and the local Lair Depot was out of quicklime. She's pretty, but she's not very bright. I bet Melinda isn't her real name. I bet her real name is Kristy. She sure ACTS like a Kristy. And she did have a thing for that monk.

Anywho. I'd decided to do some research this time before heading out. I went to the library and looked through back issues of Heroes Quarterly for talk about this Percival guy. I already knew he was the son of that Sukiyama guy, but come to find out he always carrys around Sukiyama's sword. It's like his security blanket.

Apparently, when he doesn't have it, he's a total wuss. Bats aren't even scared of him.

So, I switched over to Heroes Quartered, and found an evil spell to track down Sukiyama's sword. This was going to be like walking in cake, only with less of that squishy feeling you get when the frosting and Devil's food goes through your toes.

Here's one for you: Why did the Paladin fall of the swing? Because he had no arms.

I cast the spell, and was off, and found myself face to face with six adventurers.

Yeah.

Those people. Again.

No Percival anywhere to be seen, and the big one looked like he thought I was an single-serving insta-level XP snack pack of joy. He has dual-wielding bastard swords, and the one in his left hand looked an awful lot like Sukiyama's sword.

What is with those people? Don't they have anything better to do than make my life miserable?

That's Lord Evil Guy's job, and he's really good at it. Newsflash, he doesn't need your help!

Another one: Why did the Paladin fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.

Looks like when these jerks stole his sword, the big whiner decided he was just going to stay there dead and refused to homepoint. It's not like he died in a cut scene or anything. Whiner.

I was wrong.

TODAY is going to be the worst day ever. Walter, I mean Lord Evil Guy, DOES read my blog! On no!

Today was the worst day ever.

What a horrible day!

I'm so sad for anybody new to my blog. The marketing guild sent me a nasty note today saying that I cheated and reported more people see their advertisements than they believe. I didn't cheat! I don't even know how to cheat at advertising! Just when I would have earned $100 they went and took it all back, and cancelled my account.

That would be offensive enough, but my whole years worth of blog went with it! Gone.

So if you didn't read about how I came to be working for Lord Evil Guy before now, you missed your chance. Maybe some day I'll feel like telling that story again. But not tonight.

Tonight I tell about Lord Meriddyn's tower.

Lord Evil Guy calls me over and says to me, "Imp, I want you to deliver a message to Lord Meriddyn's tower."

Off I went. It wasn't until I got there that I realized that I had no idea what the message was, so I had to go all the way back.

"What's the message boss?"

I think he was angry about something because he had to take a deep breath before he told me. The message is: "Your miserable attempts to save the kingdom of Paledonia have failed. Lord Evil Guy has anticipated your plans. You will never succeed in recovering the sacred artifacts of Saint Dominica. Your father's sacrifice will be in vain!"

Then he grabbed my tail!

"Where are you going?" Lord Evil Guy asked me.
"To Lord Meriddyn's tower!" I chewed on my fork. He was making me nervous.
"Why are you going there?"
"Because you asked me to, sir!"
"And what did I ask you do to?"
"To go to Lord Meriddyn's tower!"
Lord Evil Guy sighed. I don't know what got into him today. "Why did I ask you to go to Lord Meriddyn's tower?"
"Did you forget too?"

He hit me. I would have sailed across his chamber, but he still held on to my tail. That really hurt!

Lord Evil Guy asked me again, "Why did I ask you to go to Lord Meriddyn's tower?"
"To deliver a message?"
"That's correct. To whom will you deliver this message?"

Oh! That's what this was about. He hadn't actually said yet.

I thought about it, not wanting him to hit me again. The message mentioned 'your father's sacrifice' so it had to be the son or daughter of someone Lord Evil Guy had killed recently. There was that recent incident with the Templar Knight... "Sukiyama's kid?"

Lord Evil Guy smiled. "His name is Percival. He's a Paladin. You'll find him traveling in a party of six adventurers." And he let my tail go.

How was I supposed to know that ALL parties of adventurers have 6 people in them? I'd already given the message when I found out that they weren't the right people. No Percival anywhere!

Lord Evil Guy was not pleased. He made me tell him who these adventurers were that got his message. How was I supposed to know to pay attention to such things? I told him what I could remember, and he got all excited about one of the girls. Humans are so weird! Then he sent me back for Percival again.

This time I found him, but he only had 5 people in his party. And they were all dead. When Lord Evil Guy finds out, I'm going to be in so much trouble...

I hope he doesn't read my blog.